A new routine

Setting a schedule has been incredibly difficult for me right now. The days blur together as I find myself staying up later and later, and of course, consequently waking up later and later. I still manage to get things done throughout the day, but it always feels hurried and rushed, and it's become one big game of catch up. 

The thing is, I've had some amazing and deep conversations with my husband on these nights. I've propped open my droopy eyelids through conversations about life, death, and rebirth. Like I said, deep. It has brought us closer together as a couple while we have gotten to know each other on these deeper levels, and I have loved it. My body hasn't though. 

See, I'm not quite a morning lark, but I am not necessarily a night owl either. I fall somewhere between the two, going to bed around 12:00 a.m and waking somewhere around 9:00 am ( I need at least 8 hours of sleep). I imagine some of you reading this might be horrified to think of someone waking up past 7:00 or 8:00 am, and some might be appalled at the idea of going to bed before 3:00 or 4:00 a.m. The rest of the lot might relate to my natural rhythm, and I just want to say, "I see you." 

Not getting enough sleep or sleeping in later than usual definitely contributes to the problem, but it's a small part of a bigger struggle. Right now, finding the time to be creative feels like an indulgence, and I have just got SO much to do before I can even THINK about sitting down to do something creative. Or, that's what I tell myself. 

Because the fact is, I have a partner I can count on to share in the responsibilities that I have taken on as completely my own. He's made it very clear that he is more than capable of making dinner, doing the dishes, folding laundry, and any other amount of household things. So, why is it so hard to ask for help? 

I think it goes back to creativity feeling like an indulgence. Like it's not something that should be a priority. But, whether or not I make it a priority, it is still obviously a need that I have been denying myself. Because when I do take the time, it is often its' own reward.  It's a type of reverence for all the beauty, joy, pain, and horror I find in the world. When I don't have creative time, that energy stagnates there, and I become stagnant. Being creative is self-care. All this is just a way of saying that I really need to get a better schedule game going. I need to map out my weeks so they include time for creative work, and to prioritize that. 

Now, if I'm honest, I will say right out that I am not the most disciplined person. So this is going to be somewhat challenging. I have been known in the past to live by my scheduler, hour to hour, when I was working for myself as a massage therapist, and teaching at massage school. But that was work! I don't want these creative endeavors to feel like work, right? Well, I don't know anymore. Treating them like "just fun" when I "have the time" is not working for me. So, I'm going to begin to put together some type of schedule, a guide, if you will, for how to spend my days. I don't know exactly what it will look like, but I don't anticipate it being too difficult to put together. It's the following of said schedule where my determination and strength of will are to be put to the test. 

When I prioritize time to be creative, I am prioritizing myself. Which means I am spending time with my Self. And that can get a little overwhelming. I can be paralyzed and stuck not knowing what to draw, write, scribble, paint. Or I can be my own worst critic and tear apart anything I make. Sometimes, in an act of self defeat, I just do something else instead, like watch TV or browse all the amazing artists I follow on Instagram. 

It's a challenge that I am taking on because it is important to me. That's what I keep coming back to. Anytime I get pulled into thinking about what I should be doing that would be more practical or useful, I have to reign in my fears of what would happen if I were to do something Meaningful. It's scary because it's a vulnerable place to be. I run from it because it's important to me. I'm a work in progress, and I'm learning to be gentle with myself. 

Going forward, I'm choosing to put a creative spin on this new schedule. I will see this as an experiment. What would happen if Angie made a weekly schedule that included time for creativity and followed it? Based on previous data, I hypothesize that Angie will trip up sometimes, but in the end, will be a fuller version of herself. 

I'll be using something like the scientific method for this experiment 

Step 1: Get in bed earlier

Step 2: Create a schedule 

Step 3: Follow it as closely as possible 

Step 4: Assess results after one week

Step 5: If not working, troubleshoot. If working, proceed to Step 6 

Step 6: Analyze data and draw conclusions 

If my results are in alignment with my hypothesis, then success! If they don't fully align or don't align at all, then this was all great research to try again! 

P.S.

Those awesome late night conversations with my husband are now letters he writes to me that I get to read when I wake up! We talk about them the next day, and they're still just as deep and meaningful :)

Artwork - Vendela Apro-Wellman